SUCK FACE BLOW - Brain Surgeon

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

BRAIN SURGEON!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

11/01/2006

I realized I was going to do it the moment I saw it pop up on the computer screen. It was as though I was made for it. I was just that sure.

You hear about the rip off ploys and spam games that go along with advertisements you can see everywhere on the Internet, but I am here to attest to the validity of one of them, in particular.

I am referring to the correspondence program which guarantees the participant a doctorate in Neuroscience, Neurosurgery and competition level dog shaving.

I was never even skeptical about it and I have been known to be somewhat suspicious of chicanery. I can see scams a mile away and was specifically taken with the foresight to include the dog shaving given how obviously inconvenient it would be to have to keep brushing the hair aside while carving into someones cranium. They were obviously on the ball!

I found I was entirely correct only months later when I received my certified Doctorate degree both through the email and some days later arriving in physical form, in the regular mail itself.

I could not wait to open my practice. I could see it now; Suck Face Blow- Brain Surgeon!

As I sat admiring my ready to frame diploma, the thought occurred to me that I should get some more practice in before I actually get any patients. Even though I had managed plenty in meeting the requirements of the program with the use of neighborhood pets and most of the guys hamster collection from upstairs.

I still just thought I would need a booster of sorts to get me on my feet. Something bigger... something a little more like the pressures of actual brain surgery.

As I considered it, I realized that my dad always took long naps... and if I did it right, he might not ever even notice.

I could sedate him long enough to sleep for an entire day, until the same time the next day when he would usually wake from his nap.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was no way he could notice if I was successful with my first lobotomy, as I was more than sure I would be. Then of course it would be "on to mother" just to give myself a little more confidence. After that, I decided, it would be time to open up shop as they say!

Who knows, if I got enough publicity I might end up with a great practice in residence at some fancy hospital where stars and stuff go.

In the mean time I was intent on keeping my dog shaving skills in good order, and even sponsored a neighborhood contest for style and speed which I actually ended up profiting from with the sales from the lemonade stand I had set up near by... knowing that all the dog hair would surely make people more thirsty.

I had that one figured from watching my cat after a good, long licking session. It always wanted something to drink just to wash down the fur ball I guess... but I figured it would be the same with a bunch of people around flinging strands of dog hair.

Someone was bound to be thirsty at any rate.

I even considered momentarily, in light of the profits from the lemonade stand, to forgo the brain surgery bit and just stick with what was working.... but then the better part of me spoke up again and kept me from just following the instant gratification and apparent promise in the lemonade stand biz.

I am glad that it did. There was something to be said about self respect and pride in individual achievements.

Most especially when it entailed now being able to say that I was Dr. Suck Face Blow, brain surgeon.