SUCK FACE BLOW - Sea Monkey Farmer

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

SEA MONKEY FARMER!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

10/30/2006

Anyone would have done it. It wasn't that far out of line but for some reason the Sea Monkey People frowned on my entrepreneur like skills in having turned one simple mail order of Sea Monkeys from the back of my favorite comic book, into a cottage industry to rival even that of Mirthy Stalwart.

I am surprised that the S.W.A.T. team even bothered to knock when they showed up to "shut down my illegal operation." It was weird because once I answered the door they rushed in like gang busters! Like I was some wanted fugitive or something.

I guess the comic book people had been watching me closely for some time having noticed a drastic decline in the mail orders for Sea Monkeys.

It was really quite easy. All I did was send in the order form for Sea Monkeys a person can find in any comic book.. and I waited.

And waited..... and waited...... and waited.... and waited....

And then finally, around my thirtieth birthday they showed up! What a good thing that I still lived with my mom!

I had almost forgotten about having sent in the order some twenty years earlier, but a person has got to hand it to them.. they are diligent in many ways. For some reason they had been back ordered for almost a decade... at least that is what the enclosed memo stated.

Either way, I was more than pleased to have received my batch of Real, Live Sea Monkeys! So much so that I immediately ran into the bathroom and began to fill the bathtub with water. Not just any old water mind you, but water in accordance to the enclosed directions in order to get the best results!

I even used a thermometer and some of what I had learned in scientist school about Sea Monkeys and things.

It was then that it occurred to me that I could just go into business for myself selling Sea Monkeys. I could be a Sea Monkey Farmer! I had learned all sorts of scientific things I could easily put to use with my own Sea Monkey Farm.

I could finally make my mother proud!

The Sea Monkeys I received had not even began to wiggle around in the bathtub before I had made the decision to go into business for myself. It all came to me in one big, magnificent epiphany!

All I needed to do was breed the Sea Monkeys I already had and the rest would surely be icing on the spoon! Then all I would need to do was lick it!

It was a few weeks before I realized I would need to advertise somehow. I hadn't really thought about it since I had become engulfed in the excitement of farming my new Sea Monkeys and of course the potential and success that loomed so promising on the horizon, like the first moon on a wonderful spring evening.

The excitement even followed me around what ever I did... kind of like the moon when you are walking along outside.

I thought about it for awhile and realized that advertising costs money.. especially the kind of advertising I would need to reach the right market. So I again put my innate ingenuity to work and began to print up address labels with the words SEA MONKEY'S BELOW MARKET COST! in bold letters printed across the top.

I then set out in my dads old overcoat (so I would remain inconspicuous) to begin my advertising campaign.

I must have stopped into every comic book store in the area. I am talking about a several mile radius, just to insure a saturation that would give me some returns.

I then employed a few things I picked up at my evil scientist job, and began to sneak my advertising stickers into various comic books.... but only the good ones, I assure you. After all, I was Suck Face Blow and I did have some quality standards to uphold.

There is no way I could miss with such cunning in undercutting the market - and it said so with the eye catching address stickers I had just made, all myself.

I even went back the next day (in a different coat of course, to remain inconspicuous) just to admire my advertising ploy.

It was great! I couldn't help feeling proud of myself as I thumbed through the comics and found that ever present back page where I had, with no small amount of skill mind you, placed my conspicuous Sea Monkey advert.

I even put it right over the one that is printed in the comic books!

Before I knew it, I was making return trips to the comic book shops with loads of labels to place... and I did so with the greatest inspiration an entrepreneur could have.

I was booming with business.

In fact I had so many orders that I almost had to order more Sea Monkey's myself, just to keep up.... but luckily, my evil scientist skills won out and I maintained my own supply through farming skills.

I should say that I was a bit let down with my mother's reaction though. I thought she would have been proud of me, but after a few months with Sea Monkeys in the bathtub, she almost kicked me out.

I had to think of something or my mother was going to ruin everything. My dad didn't mind. He never bathed anyway... but my mother was fond of long, hot baths... and the Sea Monkeys were starting to bother her skin for some reason. I still suspect her of turning me in just because of it.

I had it all it seemed. I was at the top of the world just wading in orders for Sea Monkeys. I was Suck Face Blow Sea Monkey Farmer and it seemed like nothing in the world could have stopped me! But success can be fickle as I have heard and found out with that fateful knock on the door being the S.W.A.T. team on the other side of it.

I found out later that someone had requested that they knock instead of just barging in.

I am sure it was my mother.... there isn't anyone else that I knew of that would have cared about a surprise visit from the S.W.A.T. team - even my dad, and he doesn't miss his game shows for anything!