SUCK FACE BLOW - Private Dick!
The Coquetries of
SUCK FACE
BLOW
PRIVATE DICK!
A Short Fiction SeriesThat Is Supposed To Suck!
By
David A. Archer02/15/1968
10/27/2006
My name is Suck Face Blow, Private Dick.
The day started - it was just as any other day, on that fateful day when I decided it was my day.
Then it progressed as I decided beyond a doubt that it was in the cards for me to become the worlds best private eye.
I began my venture with hiring various firms to design my look and feel. This admittedly from the influence in witnessing the success of television fashion make over shows.
I was going to be the best Private Dick that effeminate men could manage. And definitely would have the best look money could buy.
After having leveraged myself into a mountain of credit debt to pay for only the very best, I decided to officially "put out my shingle" and watch the business roll in. I have to admit that I was rather excited about the potential marriage snoops - the racy photographs and exciting, borderline secret agent kind of stuff.
So much potential seemed to loom within the marriage snoop area... maybe even some potential relationships for myself... on the side so to speak, as any self respecting Private Dick would do.
I was done with the hum drum life, what ever that shingle might bring.
The first day at the office was nothing but unforgettable. The people I hired to design the layout were definitely top notch and it showed.
Any dame that walked through those doors would be putty in my hands and any John would know that I was the man to handle the job.
I walked to the entryway and confidently placed my key in the door. It even sounded brand new and trustworthy as the key turned while I read the stenciled writing on the opaque glass window;
The door swung open and I walked through still glancing at the ego stroke so prominent and obvious on the front entry.
"I really was a Private Eye, now" I thought to myself as the door again closed gently behind me with no effort of my own.
I strolled down the corridor and noticed the new trim and how it was so tastefully coupled with the subtle depth given from the deft paint job on the walls.
There was just no stopping me now and I knew it!
I continued down the through way and turned a corner to find more of what I had invested in as insurance for my success.
There on the door was again a form of reassurance to any that may find their way to my services;
Everything You Need
"The dames would really like that one" I thought as I removed my pristine fedora and cupped it in my hand, momentarily admiring the simple brilliance of the just as simple note so carefully painted on the authentic classic feel glass window. I could just imagine what the patrons would think when they saw the automatic shadow caster I still had on back order, in action... once I set it up.
That was going to be a great door window! The model I wanted to cast automatic shadows had a rotating function that changed on a timer. It would always look intriguing.
I could not have stepped through that doorway with more zeal as I again admired the way that the stenciled message remained incredible at any angle of view, and even with the motion of the door itself.
I strolled down the small waiting corridor beyond it, and noticed the tasteful artwork set to look like windows. I must have been a genius in such a choice, as I noticed how it really added to the small walkway. Once I could afford it, I might even upgrade to realistic television monitors set into the walls that would play various outdoor scenes.
I might even get a cat just to be in that small stretch of walkway.
There really was no stopping me now and I really knew it!
As I entered the confined corridor, I looked to see what could be described as nothing less than evidence in the advance of the human species. Just at the other end of the space, was something anyone would be proud of.
There, on the rustic window set in the door, was what anyone could recognize as evidence of a gold mine waiting to boom;
Wedding's, Birthday's, Bat Mitzva's!
I knew at that moment that there was just nothing I couldn't do and it said so, right there on the door!
I was official. I was without a doubt on my way to notoriety that would be the envy of mankind.
I was Suck Face Blow, and everyone was going to know it.
I stepped into the waiting room and immediately noticed that my mail order secretary hadn't arrived yet.. and then noted that I would probably have to fire her... or at least send her back to the factory for a replacement. Maybe I would even splurge and get the model that incessantly chewed gum and talked more through her nose than in any oratorical fashion. One that preferred the type of jewelry the monkeys wear all dressed up on those funny post cards. I would probably supply the pencils myself though, as my budget dictated that all of the frills were still just out of reach.
I took in a deep breath as it really began to dawn on me that this was an incredibly magnificent moment in my life. I looked around at the physical proof that Suck Face Blow was well on his way to the big time, and immediately decided to put the hat rack to good use.
After I managed to position my fedora just so on the long, brass laden coat rack... I decidedly paused for just a moment before turning the ceiling fan on.
This was a big moment. That ceiling fan would represent everything. Every stereotypical idea that being a real Private Dick entails.
It was truly a big moment. A moment I was not going to let pass without due notice and appreciation.
I had studied the schematics on my authentic private investigator office fan. I did so in the effort to know without any question, precisely how many gentle tugs to give the dangling string when I set it in motion in order to achieve the perfect speed of rotation which would compliment my authenticity as a real Private Dick.
I would have to tug it three times in order to achieve that long and slow rotation that subliminally, everyone in the civilized world associated with genuine private eye work. If I tugged it too fast, I might skip a gear and have to do it all again. If I tugged too slow, the fan would stay in a speedier motion too long and never quite achieve that un-noticed noticeability in presenting validity with no effort, when it finally did slow down.
It was a moment to be envied. Of that there was no question.
I tugged the frilly dangler in the most consistent manner. "Click.... Click.... Click" as it set into motion.
I paused just so, in the effort to insure that all possible forces in the universe were in a syncopation which would insure the successful launch of my ceiling fan rotation.
It worked flawlessly.
The fan started slowly into motion and then gently gained velocity in rotation, but just to the most precise point of speed... where it then maintained nothing less than what the manufacturer had guaranteed would be the perfect private investigator office fan performance.
It was so noticeably un-noticeable... so natural in the environment which was so professionally put together in decor, that it seemed to bring the entire room to life. A sleepy, calm and secure sort of animation without motion. The shadows even began to exist in that very moment as thesensation of pride filled my Private Dick breast.
I had made it! I was now officially big time!
I looked around the waiting room with a type of satisfaction a person is hard pressed to explain.
This was better than getting my first library card. Better than my official movie rental membership card. Even better than when I won the raffle at the annual picnic and paraded off with the prize cake in front of everyone still sobbing over their spent vouchers, which I had devastated and rendered null in one mighty motion.
I was Suck Face Blow and it was again reaffirmed when I noticed the brilliant presence of the door into my personal, Private Dick office;
No Pills, No Shots....Painless!
What more needed to be said?
Who on the planet would not be taken in and reassured in the same motion with my genuine presence, then further being exposed to such professionalism incarnate as were my stenciled door windows?
I was already amazed that the doors were still on the hinges and not worn and broken from traffic even though I had only been in my own office for moments.. It was just going to be that good.
I continued into my personal, private investigator office and sat at my authentic desk. I immediately put my feet up as might be expected of such genuine professionalism.
I looked around and realized that I hadn't missed a thing. Everything was just right.
"Any moment now" I thought, "some dame would slide through that door with a tear in her eye and a want for someone such as myself to make it all turn out right.... and I would without a doubt.
I was Suck Face Blow!"
posted by Nefarious Aflatus | 11:26 AM
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