SUCK FACE BLOW - House Cat Trainer

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

HOUSE CAT TRAINER!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

12/19/2006

I figured out how to make a fortune again!

I know all of the late night info mercial guys will want to string me up for divulging this... but for some reason I just can't seem to resist.

Send no money now!

If you find that this doesn't work for you... just return the house cat training kit in the envelope provided with no further obligation!

It really is the simplest thing and all it takes to get started is knowing someone with a house cat.

The biggest hurdle in house cat training, is first realizing that you would do better to train a rock to sing, than to actually get an old house cat to do anything it already doesn't do.... so the trick here, is convincing who ever owns the cat, that you have now, in fact trained it to perform many things it already managed to do through out its normal day.

The clincher is inventing catchy little names for the tricks you are teaching it. Essentially, you just attach a moniker to the everyday motions of the cat itself. A list of example names will be included when you order the house cat training kit, so don't be too worried if you aren't a creative type of person. Eventually, it will just start to come naturally.

That is right! The effect here is not in training the cat so much as in training the person that owns it in a manner that convinces them you - for a small fee - have trained their cat.

I first discovered this phenomenon while observing my mothers favorite cat and listening to my father complain incessantly about the torn upholstery and cat hair on everything.

I got so tired of listening to their daily arguments... nit picking at one another really, that I decided to take action.

I suppose I should say that the first time it happened was rather an accident, as I just blurted it out in the middle of one of their tiffs pertaining to cat hair on my dads favorite set of donkey ear - ear muffs.

He can't stand anyone else touching them, so I imagine you can see where it would have been a near brawl in discovering cat hair on them.

It just blurted out of me at the height of their argument! As if there were really no other way to end the dispute and find a little quiet time in my room.

"I trained it to do that, dad!" I spouted off through the thin curtain like wall between my bedroom and the living area. "I thought it would impress you and mother if the cat could actually do some tricks!" I continued not losing the momentum I had just happened upon as I noticed the immediate silence in consideration of my otherwise preposterous proposition.

"I did it for you" I again spewed, "I call it 'put some cat hair on the donkey ears'......after all, you always go on about how useless that cat is.... I thought you might be impressed if you saw that it could actually do a trick or two...."

At that point I knew I was really on to something more special than most things I had brilliantly managed to invent and create in my life... not to mention the things I had only discovered through applying my incredible special-ness.

In no uncertain terms, it worked. And with that I then continued with the motion of it.

The very next day I showed them another trick I had taught it which I named "lick your paw and smoosh your face." Which, i know I need not tell you, was a resounding success.

I had not, at that point, ever seen my parents applaud together... and further yet, never in the same house.

They were truly impressed. So impressed that I was inclined to say it was an old Italian or German method (just to give credit where credit is always said to be due) from Russia. But one which was derived from Irish/Asian tradition by way of the Canadian Tropics through the Bull riding competition at the annual Gay Rodeo in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. Maybe it was just L.A......

But I then realized that I needed certification... so again, I turned to my buddy with the online education facility and soon had an authentic, house cat trainer diploma. signed and authenticated by none other than Francis Farmer, herself!

Just as a preview I will include a list of some of the tricks you will learn to teach the cat owners to think you have taught the cats;

• Leg Up Lick The Belly
• Windowsill Far Off Stare
• Find The Warm Spot On The Favorite Chair
• Climb The Curtains
• Fur Ball Hide And Seek
• Stash The Dead Animal

And of course the most popular being; "Never Play With The Expensive Pet Store Toy, but rip the Christmas ornaments off of the tree" and then to no surprise, "Catnip Surprise!"

"Catnip Surprise" being one of my favorites as it can be used to describe any number of inconsistencies which may arise after the cat is stoned out of its head on catnip.

You may just think this is a sales pitch, but I assure you - with the slightest effort anyone can learn to apply this tactic in the presence of house cats. If you choose to order now, for no extra fee I will include the special kit and instructions on convincing people that you not only have trained their cats, but can now use a handy remote control to dictate their every action!

The basic tactic is mostly comprised of repetition which has been derived from early cold war brain washing schemes which were devised from various other inhumane methods of information extraction and imposed conformity.

Admittedly they are very near the same sort of method I have used in training parrots... but in this instance, you simply apply it to the house cat owner... and soon enough, if even out of sheer disgust and boredom with the incessant insistence of the information claims in the form of information barrage, the cat will appear to be trained exactly to your specifications. At least the cat owner will attest to such fact.

Especially when the cat owner discovers that you aren't going to go anywhere until they conform to what it is that you are proposing to be factual in the claims of having trained the cat.

Once word gets around the neighborhood, they will be meeting you at the front door with their credit cards and check books!

But don' thank me now! Although it is nice to receive feedback on the many successes from this method of cat training... I prefer you to simply wait until you have made your fortunes.

This method of house cat training is so successful that I have even considered beginning an "Un-train your house cat program" simply in the common knowledge that once all of the cats are trained, there will be an equal demand in un-training them as there was in training them in this manner.

If you buy into this program now, you are guaranteed to be in on the ground floor of the "un-train your house cat" program (comprised of much the same manner and method of incessant pestering)... which will most definitely net you untold amounts of wealth.... and of course, hot chicks!

Suck Face Blow would not venture anything which could not yield the hot chicks!

Just in that, you have to know that this method is already a big hit!