SUCK FACE BLOW - Bathroom Announcer

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

BATHROOM ANNOUNCER!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

11/15/2006

After spending some time as a parrot... I actually managed to hone my oratory skills through the incessant repetition that was employed in teaching me how to talk. In fact, I got so good at it.. that I briefly considered becoming an auctioneer... but then I realized that something like that would probably be far too exciting for me, just coming out of a hiatus and all.

So I decided to use the newly developed auction like skills as a bathroom announcer!

When I found my way out of the large bird cage and back into some semblance of normal life... I promptly began to frequent public restrooms to get a little practice in before hitting the big time again in the more up-scale restrooms and private clubs.

I found a huge response even in the smaller practice sessions at train stations and recreation areas. It was of course, an instant hit! So I decided to keep the more turgid aspects of my new artistry and skills, to a minimum.

Most people seemed to respond more when it was that I threw a little race track feel into the jargon... as I went through the day announcing the activities of and within which ever public restroom I happened to be gracing with my incredible bathroom announcer skills.

My parents were immediately impressed when it was that I demonstrated such prowess at home. They were mostly surprised that I spent my time as a parrot in such a productive manner.... I might even say they were somewhat proud of my endeavor.... and it definitely showed in the fact that my mother went right out to the trophy shop and had a special bathroom announcer trophy made, just for me.

I had done it again without even the slightest of intention to become incredibly magnificent and great!

In a short period of time as a bathroom announcer, I managed to create some rather memorable moments for myself as well as many of the unwitting participants. Some of the more beneficial moments weren't all my doing though, as anyone could guess.

It was mostly a combination of great timing and a sort of "cold read" when the people would enter the restroom. Then of course, the efficient use of things such as impending flatulency, and that ever present discharge one can always find at the urinals.

When it was timed just so... the result was no less than impressive given the various contributions in that social setting and of course of the "movements" and activities.

Until I actually did it, I really had no idea that there was so much to lend attention to in the announcing biz concerning public restrooms.

In the "down time" I just filled my announcing with reading the graffiti out loud. There is something to be said for the acoustics's of even the most common looking public facility. Especially in the ladies room for some reason.

Everything always seems a bit more civilized in there and the issues one can find to work into an announcing gig in the ladies room are far more diverse than those a person will find in the men's room.

Even the sounds are somehow more appealing.

Not that they are that much different mind you... but for some reason they are just a bit more conducive to announcing. Like they were made for the airwaves where the men's room effects need a little more work to smooth out the rough edges.

Another popular area within the bathroom announcing, was in the consistent depiction of toilet paper usage. Not so much perforated square by square coverage that is, but the potentials for near out right poetry in orating the entirety of the activity in such usage.

It really is quite similar to a dance... if not a living verse of sorts. Each one a little different than the previous.

Those quiet (mostly quiet anyway) private moments needed some spicing up... and I was just the guy to do it.

How could it be anyone else? I was Suck Face Blow.

Before long I was more than ready for the "big show" as it were... but being who I am, I opted to stay in the "minors" and coach the up and coming bathroom announcer's along. I just felt it was more my calling... there is just a certain allure to the public arena. Something you can't just walk away from.

A mystique if you will, that echo's through the centuries.