The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

I used to be scared of ghosts.

I'm not afraid to say it! Even that funny ghost guy on T.V. -

But then, a few weeks ago I turned a new leaf and rented all of the ghost movies I could find.

And then you know what?

I watched them all by myself!

I watched them all by myself until I wasn't scared of the ghosts anymore.

I even memorized all fo the movie lines in all of the ghost movies that I rented.

I knew it would come in handy once I started my business as a paranormal investigator because the guy I know with the online diploma making business told me that they hate ghost movies.

It is like a cross to a vampire! A silver bullet to a warewolf! A credit card to a hooker!

I know it sounds funny about being scared of ghosts for so long... but I don't feel so bad because I haven't ever really had a phobia of things like bugs and bunnies and warewolves. I can't even remember being afraid of the coodies, and that is really something these days if I do say so myself.

I did have a wierd fear once of fast food soft drink containers... but that was before they stopped using bee's wax to coat them.

For some reason I always thought that the bee's wax would coat my colon and make it impossible for me not to poop in my pants. Like turning my colon into a big amusement park slide. But that is another story.

The movie lines to the ghost movies proved to be somewhat handy in everyday life, too. When I found myself in some conversation that wasn't all that interesting, I would just respond with the lines from the ghost movies. Like I was practicing to corner a ghost in a dark and gloomy, old house.

I bet it would work on modern pop stars, too. And technology executives.

That is, if you had to be trapped with them somewhere for some amount of time having no real interest.

It would beat the heck out of jabbering about some cartoon mouse, at any rate. Which seems to be the most of their interests - at least that is what the online diploma guy says. That, and eating as much parafin as possible for some reason, then breaking the shift key on the computer key board for good luck.

My first paranormal job went allot better than I planned. I didn't even have to call a time out if things got too scarey and the ghost was going to get me or something (event though I still had my mom and dads phone number handy).

I must have had every effigy in the book, loaded and ready to go in the event that the ghost wasn't co-operative.

I can twiddle a worry knob with the best of them! Sometimes, I even use one of the effigies to heat up my dinner.

I got that good with them!

My mom was rather impressed when I did that with the effigies. 'Look mom' I said as the microwave timer got close to zero - 'no hands' I said as I raised my arms while the microwave began to beep!

Then... I got my fast food cup and twiddled it a few times just to show off a little to my already impressed mother.... I found that twiddling it a little while you pretend to drink, really adds a great effect to the outcome of the desired level of denial a person may hope to exist within.

I really had mother convinced that my twiddling made the microwave go! I think she even bought the extra emphasis with the fast food cup... even though I really didn't have anything in it.

Let's just say that the scarey ghosts didn't stand a chance at that point. I just knew it and so would my parents if they knew I hade gone into the paranormal investigator business.

Yeah, I didn't mention the ghost stuff to my parents. They might have gotten too scared and grounded me or something... even though I was now in my fourties.

Moms are just like that sometimes. Especially about ghosts though they don't seem to mind the cartoon mice too much.

I am glad I didn't mention the ghost investigator thing though, especially after the first case.

It just would have been too frightening for them to handle.

It is almost too frightening to even write about... and in the modern age, I wouldn't want to be responsible for scaring someone so bad with a factual account of paranormal investigation, that they could then sue me or something.... but I will go ahead and tell a little of the Suggestigatorbee story.

It was a scarey ghost that was scarey.

It went bump in the night and liked to hide in the closet... but only if you weren't looking. So that made it harder to catch it since it wasn't there if you looked for it. Only if you were just thinking about it from somewhere else... but you still knew that it was a ghost in the closet and stuff.

It was really, really a scarey ghost.

I told it I was going to tell my mom, and then I acted like I was telling it what to do... I said really loud; "Be scarey, ghost!"

And that is when I knew that I was going to scare the ghost away because if it kept being scarey.... then it was because I told it to.

Then, when the ghost tried to pretend like it wasn't in the closet, to try and see if I would just go away and not think there was a ghost in the closet anymore... I fooled it again with a huge pile of effigies that took me almost ten minutes to assign some meaningless meaning to.

That really got it! Especially when all of the twiddling started to take effect.

That is when I started to recite the ghost movie lines....

Of course, if I divulged which lines I used specifically here - it would result in the necessity to pay a royalty fee to the movie guys.. and then everyone would know my secret method to get rid of scarey ghosts in the closet and that would not be good for business.

It is enough to know that the scarey ghost in the closet had to go to someone elses closet. At least for awhile... and if it comes back to my closet and tries to be scarey again... I will really show it the what for with a medium value meal and a large orange drink!

My first paranormal case was soooo successful, that even the cartoon mouse company guys wanted to say they had done it!

But instead, they just threatened to tell my mom that I was playing with ghosts unless I wore one of their silly hats for a photo op.

I really had no choice seeing as my mom would have grounded me.

But I got the last laugh I think... I told the ghost it had to stay with them until it didn't want to be scarey any more.

I bet they try to make a movie out of it.