SUCK FACE BLOW - Library Mariachi Band Guy!

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

LIBRARY MARIACHI BAND GUY!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

12/29/2006

When I first got here with my mother some years ago, I discovered an incredibly wonderful thing about this city.

THERE WERE NO MARIACHI BANDS AT THE PUBLIC LIBRARY!

Of course, being Suck Face Blow, I saw this as an incredible opportunity and I took advantage of it!

No sooner than I had began to put the band together and do little performances to feel the place out, than I was met with incredible recognition.

People just started to move out of the way when it was that they saw the Mariachi band on the way into the public facility.

We also noticed that the louder we played and sang, the more people responded. It was a very short time before we were treated like Rock Stars, even getting great attention from various forms of security.

I personally think they liked the costumes... we did, allot and they weren't even of our Suck Face Blow heritage.

I suppose the big winning combination was in changing up the standard instrumentation for a Mariachi band now and then. We found great response in using a kazoo instead of various horn instrumentation's.. but the experimentation just keeps going with the variations.

I guess you could say we were the first Mariachi band to consistently perform in a public library, but the celebrity benefactors would hear nothing of it - I guess it really made some of the Jazz guys upset, ... insisting that they in fact, were the first and we on the other hand, would have to relegate ourselves as some form of copy cat act. Even though no one had ever seen a Mariachi band perform in the Library before, and especially in such an impromptu manner - costumes and all. Then of course, some guy from Chicago Canada, in Seattle (maybe Vegas) claimed to be the first ever - but that guy always claims to have been the first ever of just about everything.

It got so heated after some performances, that those interested parties even demanded that we wear and sell T shirts which sported the Mariachi band name they wanted us to use, being "We Are The Second Library Mariachi Band Ever."

I have to say that I first - second (that is) - got the idea from hearing various examples of different people not being accustomed to the basic standards in a public library. More directly, some of the individuals that found themselves singing out loud quite frequently while listening to their headphones.

No one seemed to mind the rather prominent presence of various forms of popular music being sung to a tune no one else could hear.

It was sheer brilliance! Hands down one of the better gigs I have ever come up with.

This spring, as soon as we can broker a deal with the first Public Library Mariachi Band - our Library Mariachi Band is set to do a nation wide Public Library tour... surprise gigs mostly just for the publicity aspects of it in the reaction to such a unique form of performance taking place. Of course, given the seemingly touchy aspect of being the First Public Library Mariachi Band.... our management will probably have to resolve to promoting it as the Second Ever Public Library Mariachi Band Tour!

It should still go alright, but the T shirts and other merchandise will be more expensive to produce given that there are so many other letters in Second Ever Public Library Mariachi Band Tour than there are in First Ever Public Library Mariachi Band Tour.

I know it doesn't seem like that much just looking at it, but when you have to make as many items in bulk as does a successful performing act, it adds up... especially in design costs and the like.

Then again, maybe we could just say that the words wrapping around to the back of the garment is supposed to be like that... so people can read them while they are passing by and turning around and stuff.

That sounds like something for the bands management and spin doctors though.... the band itself needs to concentrate on material and rehearsal. Especially the kazoo material and the solos in those pieces.

But lets face it, I am Suck Face Blow! How could it not be a resounding success?

SUCK FACE BLOW - MECHANICAL COW SLOT MACHINE ASS!

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

MECHANICAL COW SLOT MACHINE ASS!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

12/21/2006

I got 86'd from a casino once years ago out in Nevada. It was just the one time that they bounced me, but it wasn't for anything out of line in a social sense as I learned in a hurry.... it was because I had managed to accidentally find my way onto a mechanical cow slot machine.

I didn't know it, but those are considered pretty special.

The mechanical cow slot machines don't look any different really... it isn't like it is a theme of decoration. it isn't even as though it is a variation on the common games a person can find versions of slot machines providing.

It was just that the row of them had been designated for the mechanical cows from the area.

I guess it was some extended version of grazing rights that spilled over from the more agricultural days of the area where the casino was.... back when there were real cows instead of the mechanical ones they use these days.

Every day like clock work, the mechanical cows move through the row of special slot machines... almost in shifts. And everyday the employees at the casino make sure that they are available.

I guess there is nothing like a mechanical cow throwing a tantrum about not being able to get to her favorite slot machine. I hear that back in the day, when they first introduced mechanical cows to the local area... a person could even get whacked for impeding the movement of the local mechanical cows.

Again, allot of people think that is some sort of an extended development from the old west days when the real cows would just traipse into the casino and graze around.

Of course, now that I give it some thought... the mechanical cows might even be better in those instances since the regular cows tend to crap allot... and especially back in the old cowboy days... I would imagine there were a few run ins with the lonely cow poke just in off the range... and a slow moving cow in the casino.

Maybe that's really where they got the idea to call them cow pokes?

I always thought it had to do with branding... but now that I put the two of 'em together, I'm not all that sure.

In fact... I wouldn't be surprised if the mechanical cows were invented just to curb such urges after long, lonely rides out on the prairie and all that.

Either way though, the mechanical cows just go insane if they can't get to their slot machine.

And as the old saying goes there in the city of blinking bulbs and free booze - if the mechanical cows aren't happy... ain't nobody going to be happy!

SUCK FACE BLOW - Santa Suit Billionaire

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

SANTA SUIT BILLIONAIRE!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

12/22/2006

I admit that I kind of stumbled upon it.

But, if you do a little research, you will see that such a manner of discovery isn't all that out of the normal.

I wanted to have a Halloween costume that my parents would approve of one year. Mother never liked the scary ones I always found myself drawn to in the toy isle at the store. You know the ones I am referring to; Uncle Perv And A Banana, the ever popular Blow up sheep farmer.... you know, those really scary ones.

Mother and Father didn't mind the sheep farmer costume too much... they both kind of liked the big plastic flock of sheep for some reason. I think it was just too much fun to use them as big boxing gloves during family time.

I settled on a surprise costume one year that I just knew they would agree with.... I had saved it all year from the previous year packed away in moth balls and deep within the closet so mother couldn't find it when she made sure that all of my things were in the proper place.

I had found it on the way home one evening... stashed away in an alley near Christmas, and just knew it would be a hit as I tried it on that very moment and found that people just started handing me money.

That is eventually how I made my billions this time.... wearing someone else's Santa suit that I found in an alley.. and of course saving all of the pennies and dimes that people gave me daily while just standing around on the sidewalk.

Within a few months I had become a billionaire... but I did have my buddy with the online investment firm do a little investing for me.

Between him and his cousin that prints up the college degrees - we just cannot go wrong. Especially in considering all of the people they know. As close as they are, there is no way anti-anything will ever ruin our fun.

The chicks know it, too. Even though I like to think that they just know a good thing in a Santa suit when they see it... I realize that for the most part, with the Santa suit thing anyhow.... they just know there is something else to bank on behind all of the fluffy trim and soft padding.

I almost gave mother a heart attack when I wore it on that first occasion for Halloween! I didn't think anyone could ever be that terrified of a Santa Suit... but there are some things boys just don't know about their mothers sometimes....

Like, of course, that mother had been having an affair with most of the Santa Charity organization back in her younger, more spry days. Back when group intercourse was just becoming popular. I guess it was great fun to wear costumes of all sorts so that no one really knew what a person looked like.

From what dad told me after they took mother to the hospital to be treated for fainting.... Mrs. Clause would have been so pissed that the elves would have had to move into the barn.

I guess mother really worked those Santa guys over... and dad divulged her little fancy for spankings with a big, black plastic belt.

After realizing that it might be a dangerous thing to other ladies not expecting a Santa around Halloween, I decided I should probably just keep it to use for business around the other holidays... at least around the time of year when people would expect to see Santa... that is, expect to see Santa where they are used to seeing him except for those costume parties having lubrication sponsorships from back in the day.

That is when it occurred to me that blackmail might be the actual reason that so many people are nicer around people in Santa suits... especially the ladies it seems. Like it maybe was/is some bigger scheme that manages to get all the young independent girls to compromise themselves for Santa at some point in their life... just to keep them in line, so to speak - around the holidays... and of course, to remind them about it ever so quietly from the street corners so they will open up their pocket books for that yearly round of hush money.

Maybe that is why I found such a great success almost immediately with the Santa suit? Maybe I kind of stumbled on to more than I thought I did initially with touching on a long standing racket around illicit sexual blackmail?

Either way... I suppose the bottom line is that a Santa suit is a great place to get your jollies in allot of ways.... and even, if you put your mind to it - make allot of money. Especially if you can manage one of those I know what you did looks from behind a fake beard and mustache.

If you can do that successfully... you will have to call an armored car by the end of the day.

Just in that, a person has to realize how much more popular Santa really is than anyone really ever realizes in the day light hours, so to speak.

And when I think about it... finding such a great means of income was inevitable for me.

I am after all, Suck Face Blow! Santa Suit Billionaire!

SUCK FACE BLOW - Canadian Nickle Admirer

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

CANADIAN NICKLE ADMIRER!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

12/20/2006

I must have seen them all by now!

At least the ones minted before 1970. I have looked everywhere a person can think of just to find them.

One thing I definitely have noticed is how it is that there is almost no way a person can spend a Canadian nickle in the United States, but somehow you always manage to get them in the change from various types of goods exchange.

It could be a miracle... but something tells me that the other nickles are just so jealous that they transform themselves in the cash register kind of like spontaneous combustion is said to happen.

I truly have admired Canadian nickles for years now... probably since just before puberty now that I think about it.

I really couldn't tell you why though. Maybe it is just some quirky preference. Some deeper experience bordering on obsession.

I could tell you just about everything a person would want to know about a Canadian nickle... but I won't bore you with the mundane stuff just now. I will however, share with you some of the more exciting traits a person can experience for themselves about a Canadian nickle.

For instance... if you flip a nickle, and it lands with the tail side up...and you can see a beaver? It is most assuredly a Canadian nickle.

I have spent hours on end.. mostly in my youth, just flipping nickles to see if they were Canadian nickles or not... and when you think about it, such an activity when analyzed against the laws of probability.. then can become quite time consuming when it is you happen to be using such a method to determine whether or not it is actually a Canadian nickle.

There aren't any other nickles that show a beaver when their tail side is up. That is the cincher to a Canadian nickle.

I used to just sit there sometimes... even over coffee after I got a Canadian nickle in the change for the cup of coffee I had just paid for.... and stare at it. This of course after going through the proper coin flipping to discern its nation of origin.

I would just sit there in the diner and stare at the beaver next to my coffee for a while. Then usually leave it as part of the tip for the waitress.

I have even used it as conversation pieces when out on dates. Especially on first dates with girls I had hardly met.

It is especially popular for those blind dates where the girl turns out to have a deeper voice than yours and even more so, when the girl has a slight mustache.

I really never realized there were so many coin appreciators in the world.... but then again, you never know until you ask, right? And you can never really have a conversation about Canadian nickles unless you bring it up with someone.

It can be a real ice breaker. Of that I have no apprehension in divulging.

I particularly like how furry the beaver looks sometimes. Strange in some way how it seems to differ some from nickle to nickle. Sometimes, it looks all plump and furry and warm... like you could cuddle up with it... and then other times, it looks all worn out and ragged.

Probably due to the age and level of wear it has gone through over the years and of course the amount of care it may have received while in circulation.

Some people don't even stop to consider the amount of wear and tear a Canadian nickle can endure as it bounces around from one place that won't accept it as tender, to another.

Now that I think about it, some people might even regard them as a nuisance... just in the fact that very few places will accept them in payment for anything.... but still somehow manage to sneak them into your change.

Its like maybe they are trying to put them out into the world... kind of in a "fly... be free little Canadian nickles!"

When it is considered like that, it almost becomes a humanitarian angle.... like spreading good cheer through out the world, one un-spendable nickle at a time.

I guess I count myself in the lucky area there, then... seeing as how I have such a long standing appreciation for the Canadian nickle and all.... especially in the ongoing probability experiment of tails side up amusement.

How could a nickle be wrong that shows a beaver when it lands tails side up?

Beavers are cute and furry... and if you have ever felt the fur, you would know just how soft and smooth they are, too.

Too bad that coins can't convey that yet... but man, will that be the day!

Just thinking about it makes me want to find my favorite nickle and start flipping it again.... just in the expectant fantasies and speculations about that glorious point in time when you can actually land it tails side up.... and stroke the beavers fur with the same amount of appreciation that now can only be asserted in the act of voyeurism.

Maybe I could write the Canadians a letter requesting that they include a small piece of fur on the beavers from now on. Even something like that old fashioned G.I. Joe hair would do for starters even though it was more like a dried up felt marker than it was like hair.

It would still add to the experience of appreciating Canadian nickles. Even if you can't spend 'em.

I'm Suck Face Blow. How could they say no to such a request? Especially when it would make their unusable money even more popular where ever anyone used it like a slug.

SUCK FACE BLOW - House Cat Trainer

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

HOUSE CAT TRAINER!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

12/19/2006

I figured out how to make a fortune again!

I know all of the late night info mercial guys will want to string me up for divulging this... but for some reason I just can't seem to resist.

Send no money now!

If you find that this doesn't work for you... just return the house cat training kit in the envelope provided with no further obligation!

It really is the simplest thing and all it takes to get started is knowing someone with a house cat.

The biggest hurdle in house cat training, is first realizing that you would do better to train a rock to sing, than to actually get an old house cat to do anything it already doesn't do.... so the trick here, is convincing who ever owns the cat, that you have now, in fact trained it to perform many things it already managed to do through out its normal day.

The clincher is inventing catchy little names for the tricks you are teaching it. Essentially, you just attach a moniker to the everyday motions of the cat itself. A list of example names will be included when you order the house cat training kit, so don't be too worried if you aren't a creative type of person. Eventually, it will just start to come naturally.

That is right! The effect here is not in training the cat so much as in training the person that owns it in a manner that convinces them you - for a small fee - have trained their cat.

I first discovered this phenomenon while observing my mothers favorite cat and listening to my father complain incessantly about the torn upholstery and cat hair on everything.

I got so tired of listening to their daily arguments... nit picking at one another really, that I decided to take action.

I suppose I should say that the first time it happened was rather an accident, as I just blurted it out in the middle of one of their tiffs pertaining to cat hair on my dads favorite set of donkey ear - ear muffs.

He can't stand anyone else touching them, so I imagine you can see where it would have been a near brawl in discovering cat hair on them.

It just blurted out of me at the height of their argument! As if there were really no other way to end the dispute and find a little quiet time in my room.

"I trained it to do that, dad!" I spouted off through the thin curtain like wall between my bedroom and the living area. "I thought it would impress you and mother if the cat could actually do some tricks!" I continued not losing the momentum I had just happened upon as I noticed the immediate silence in consideration of my otherwise preposterous proposition.

"I did it for you" I again spewed, "I call it 'put some cat hair on the donkey ears'......after all, you always go on about how useless that cat is.... I thought you might be impressed if you saw that it could actually do a trick or two...."

At that point I knew I was really on to something more special than most things I had brilliantly managed to invent and create in my life... not to mention the things I had only discovered through applying my incredible special-ness.

In no uncertain terms, it worked. And with that I then continued with the motion of it.

The very next day I showed them another trick I had taught it which I named "lick your paw and smoosh your face." Which, i know I need not tell you, was a resounding success.

I had not, at that point, ever seen my parents applaud together... and further yet, never in the same house.

They were truly impressed. So impressed that I was inclined to say it was an old Italian or German method (just to give credit where credit is always said to be due) from Russia. But one which was derived from Irish/Asian tradition by way of the Canadian Tropics through the Bull riding competition at the annual Gay Rodeo in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. Maybe it was just L.A......

But I then realized that I needed certification... so again, I turned to my buddy with the online education facility and soon had an authentic, house cat trainer diploma. signed and authenticated by none other than Francis Farmer, herself!

Just as a preview I will include a list of some of the tricks you will learn to teach the cat owners to think you have taught the cats;

• Leg Up Lick The Belly
• Windowsill Far Off Stare
• Find The Warm Spot On The Favorite Chair
• Climb The Curtains
• Fur Ball Hide And Seek
• Stash The Dead Animal

And of course the most popular being; "Never Play With The Expensive Pet Store Toy, but rip the Christmas ornaments off of the tree" and then to no surprise, "Catnip Surprise!"

"Catnip Surprise" being one of my favorites as it can be used to describe any number of inconsistencies which may arise after the cat is stoned out of its head on catnip.

You may just think this is a sales pitch, but I assure you - with the slightest effort anyone can learn to apply this tactic in the presence of house cats. If you choose to order now, for no extra fee I will include the special kit and instructions on convincing people that you not only have trained their cats, but can now use a handy remote control to dictate their every action!

The basic tactic is mostly comprised of repetition which has been derived from early cold war brain washing schemes which were devised from various other inhumane methods of information extraction and imposed conformity.

Admittedly they are very near the same sort of method I have used in training parrots... but in this instance, you simply apply it to the house cat owner... and soon enough, if even out of sheer disgust and boredom with the incessant insistence of the information claims in the form of information barrage, the cat will appear to be trained exactly to your specifications. At least the cat owner will attest to such fact.

Especially when the cat owner discovers that you aren't going to go anywhere until they conform to what it is that you are proposing to be factual in the claims of having trained the cat.

Once word gets around the neighborhood, they will be meeting you at the front door with their credit cards and check books!

But don' thank me now! Although it is nice to receive feedback on the many successes from this method of cat training... I prefer you to simply wait until you have made your fortunes.

This method of house cat training is so successful that I have even considered beginning an "Un-train your house cat program" simply in the common knowledge that once all of the cats are trained, there will be an equal demand in un-training them as there was in training them in this manner.

If you buy into this program now, you are guaranteed to be in on the ground floor of the "un-train your house cat" program (comprised of much the same manner and method of incessant pestering)... which will most definitely net you untold amounts of wealth.... and of course, hot chicks!

Suck Face Blow would not venture anything which could not yield the hot chicks!

Just in that, you have to know that this method is already a big hit!