SUCK FACE BLOW - NEGOTIATOR!

The Coquetries Of

SUCK FACE

BLOW

NEGOTIATOR!

A Short Fiction Series

That Is Supposed To Suck!

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

07/10/2007

I got the idea from practicing with my mom.

Negotiating, that is... negotiating the very high pressure and nerve ridden act of child birth.

My mother would wear a pillow under one of the paper hospital gowns we brought home after every trip to the hospital for emergency attention check ups, and I would hold her feet up to practice negotiating.

I am glad that we practiced. It made me strong and ready for my debut when I spent the day at the hospital as a promotional stunt in the effort to get other people to subscribe... a sort of demonstration kind of thing.

It was a huge hit!

I even developed a retail equipment package that my mom made the hospital sell in the gift shop in case I was over booked and someones amateur husband wanted to give it a try.

The equipment package consists of an official looking helmet kind of thing, with a pointy paper hat glued on top that is also an emergency light... kind of like is on fire trucks and cop cars... but it is inside of the pointy hat part and makes neat shapes when it whirls around inside of it. The official helmet straps under the chin and can withstand a direct ten pound sledge hammer blow... but probably not while it was on your head.

I figured this would be a good idea because - speaking from the experience of practice with my mother, women can get kind of crazy when they are giving birth, and potentially could try to hit you on the head as you are negotiating the transition. I thought the point hat on top of the helmet was even good because it might poke the woman in the hand and she wouldn't try to hit you on the head again.

Mother thought that was a grand idea as well.

I was going to include a siren function on the helmet, but found that it kind of interfered with the megaphone/bullhorn part of the negotiating service. It made it harder to understand me yelling into the electric megaphone... giving options and instructions to the child and bearing mother... when the siren was incessantly blaring.

The whirling lights were enough, I thought.

I thought about including a catchers mitt in the kit and standard method of negotiating... but I recanted that in the interest of maintaining a more professional and serious approach.

It had to be believable and a little serious or neither of the main negotiating interests would be altogether too inclined to take it seriously.

I did include a basic list of things the people attempting to negotiate should say through the process in order to make it the most efficient possible... many of which are similar I am told, to any other hostage situation where it is that there are concerns with getting something (someone) out of a situation.

In this case it happens to be children. Many of which are none too excited it would seem, about leaving the hostage situation too soon.

This is another coincidence with other similar hold ups. Especially long term hostage crisis situations where the hostage and perpetrator become emotionally attached for some mysterious psychological reason.

None of that is of my concern. Only the task of safely getting the child to give up their position.. and in some cases, even the bearing mother needs to be coaxed in coinciding interests.

I have even had to resort to threats in some cases such as immediate restriction! No solid foods for months! No walking or talking! Things of that nature... but really, only in the more problematic examples have I had to resort to such.

Most of the time... a few blurts from the bull horn... a few hollow promises of bliss and the like.. perhaps a small threat of restriction if immediate exit of the womb did not occur... would suffice. But there were those instances where problems would arise. Most though, were easily remedied with a near field address from the megaphone, to the bearing mother about how selfish she was being in not letting the child come out into freedom and the like.

Sometimes though, I found more success in addressing the child directly with the bull horn. Most often directly through the birth canal with a few short bursts of promise concerning freedom... and as stated in the problematic examples, threats concerning immediate punishments for non-compliance.

I am glad to say that I have a 100% success rate! And, the last time I asked mother about the Negotiation kits, I was told that they couldn't keep them on the shelves in the hospital gift shop!

I am not so surprised though as I am somewhat accustomed to grand success of such a nature.

I am SUCK FACE BLOW after all. Negotiator!